What To Ask Before You Say “Yes”

When my babysitting career first began in the early nineties, I rarely turned down a request from parents desperate for a night out sans kids. I still remember our brief conversations over the not-so-cordless phone:

Can you be here Friday night? Yep.

Saturday night? You bet.

4 pm-midnight? No problem.

We’ll be out pretty late for New Year’s Eve–is that okay? I’ll be there.

My willingness to immediately commit came from the tax-free money I could earn from wrangling tots, washing dishes, and tidying up for a few hours. Babysitting was a mostly enjoyable gig full of variety and a few surprises. Would he pee on my lap again? What else can I do to help her settle at night? Should I really let him play dinosaurs after bedtime? And the (parent) managers weren’t terrible, even when one came home drunk one night and her date, whom I’d never met, offered to drive me home. I politely declined, choosing instead to walk the ¼ mile home alone in the dark.    

What I couldn’t articulate at the time was the deeper reason for my eager ‘yes.’ Beneath the surface of my agreeable self was a pressure fueled by fear and judgment. I was terrified to disappoint others, convinced that my ‘no’ would label me as selfish or lazy. In my adolescent mind, I judged my hearty ‘yes’ as good and any ‘no’ as bad. 

After several months of exhaustion from overcommitting every weekend and feeling the weight of resentment that followed, I finally set two boundaries: 

No babysitting on weeknights and babysitting only one night per weekend.

Setting clear boundaries helped me name what I really wanted: a chance to earn money but also space to think and time to make memories with the people closest to me. I said ‘no’ to more money and resentment and ‘yes’ to quiet time and connection with family and friends. 

While I’m grateful for this basic lesson in teen time management, I wonder now as a fortysomething, why it can be so difficult to decide where to say yes to this ‘one wild and precious life.’ Our need to prioritize certainly doesn’t fade with time; in fact, our choices only seem to increase in both number and weight. Which is why, I believe, so many of us struggle with it.

So, how do we know what is worthy of our ‘yes’? 

I’m not convinced the answer here is formulaic. There are too many variables within our complex lives; what might work for a married parent of two might not work for a single CEO who travels for work.  

I do believe however, in asking thoughtful questions as a way to help us move forward in deciding what we need and want. 

Below are 3 Simple Questions to Ask Before We Say “Yes”:

1. What motivates our ‘yes’? 

Is it coming from a holy nudge that cannot be ignored?

Is it bound to a ‘should?’

Is it rooted in our values?

Is it buried beneath a need to please others? 

Sometimes the answers aren’t clear and we may squirm as we try to get honest with ourselves, especially when facing the truth may cost us something (more money, a carefully curated reputation, more followers, etc.) We must pay close attention to this and be willing to get to the root of our answer. (I see you Church Friends, raised to think Jesus wants you to meet every need all the time in every place for ever and ever amen so that you never learn to pay attention to your own needs and wants.)

2. How will this ‘yes’ nudge us toward who we want to be and what we really want?

Saying ‘yes’ to babysitting every weekend led to fatigue, irritability, and additional stress. I didn’t like who I was when I overcommitted and though I loved babysitting and needed the money, I didn’t want to spend every weekend changing diapers or cleaning up other people’s messes. Asking ourselves whether an opportunity will help us grow into who we want to be–and whether it’s what we really want–can help clarify whether it deserves our ‘yes.’ 

3. How will this ‘yes’ impact those closest to us? 

Whether we’ve been invited to join a team at work or asked to be part of a committee or offered a new job, this question begs to be answered. Making time to listen and consider our loved ones’ varying needs and perspectives is vital for the health of our closest relationships. 

When it comes to deciding what is worthy of our ‘yes,’ we often have a level of freedom to choose. Taking the time to answer these three questions can help clarify what is most important to us in every season.

May we have Divine wisdom to know where to put our ‘yes,’ the willingness to be honest with our motivations, and the courage to make choices that honor our God-given needs and wants, even when it costs us.

After all, as the brilliant Annie Dillard wrote in her book The Writing Life, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” 

Featured photo by Sedki Alimam at Unsplash